29 November, 2011

28 November, 2011

| one: my style |

|style| noun
a particular kind, style, or type, as with reference to form, appearance, or character

| today's selected image |

Seaweed Toner
Spray Bottle | Water
Hair Brush
Vanilla Body Spray
Pomegranate Lemon Body Spray
PINK Glitter Perfume
Pomegranate Glitter Spray
Silver Bangles
Gold Glitter | Loose
Lucky You Perfume
Gold Glitter | Perfume
Flat Iron | Case

| other images considered |

23 November, 2011

| I need to see you: Uncover my eyes |

Monday, I went to Jefferson.

I had a shoot.
See, on November 5th, I shot in Jefferson as well.
on that dreary Saturday as I rolled past North Avenue, I

s   l   o   w   e   d

but I



Monday was different.
Monday, I accepted North Avenue's calling, and trudged up Cemetery Hill.
A journey I have made countless times.
Rain. Sleet. Snow. Hail. Wind.
Occasionally, in the rare, yet scorching sunshine.
Like the day he was buried.
Even once, in the dead of night.
A familiar trip... Though, not one I had made in
"I'll just drive by."
Yeah. Right.
I got out, but left the Navi running for warmth.
"I won't stay long."
I wiped the rain from his picture.
The picture that I shot, with my little Olympus 35mm camera.
I remember that moment; the conversation that took place.
I remember it
like yesterday?
Seven years ago.
I remember it, like it was a dream. Another lifetime even.
Because it .was.

When he was first buried it made me physically sick to my stomach, to see the overturned mound of Earth.
After a season, they tossed out some grass seed.
I planted flowers in the Spring. Annuals. They completed their life cycle in just one growing season.
With each passing storm, the dirt seemed to settle a little more; easing its trauma. The sun continued to rise, and so the green grew.

November 21
The Earth has healed. You can see the upheaval, no more.



of disturbance.
It is as if, it never happened.

It did.

19 November, 2011

|familiar to the image of the artist|

|photographer| noun
a person who takes photographs
|artist| noun
a person whose work exhibits exceptional skill

I don't know that I would define myself, as
|define| verb
to explain or identify the nature or essential qualities of; describe

I do not work my dSLR in M
Nor do I rely on 'Auto'
I do not care for the studio environment
Natural light > Artificial
I will not be made to feel inferior.

|identify the nature|
I will never be famous. I do not want to be.
I capture life as it comes; as I experience it.

|essential qualities|
I embrace imperfection
blur . over/under-exposure . varying perspective . etcetera
I want reality
emotion . honesty . conviction

16 November, 2011

|psalm 38|

I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long
I groan because of the turmoil of my heart.
As for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me. 

For I am ready to fall, and my sorrow is continually before me. 

Today I am beginning a six-week, personal {bible} study.
Anyone who knows me,

For I am ready to fall, and my sorrow is continually before me. 

This is where I will come to fly, when I want to disappear from what's outside. 

39:11 And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. 

09 November, 2011

| confessions of a grieving child |

God forbid you ever have to wake up to hear the news

This morning, I already knew. 
This morning I had to wake them up, to hear the news. 
How do you explain death to a child?

Jaiden is smart.
Obscenely advanced, for her age. 

Nana went to Heaven last night. 
Cadence: {gasp} Oh no...
Jaiden: {silence}
s   i   l   e   n   c   e
because there are no words

I ask them what they are thinking. Cadence is remembering the good memories {there are many}. 

Jaiden. Silence. I ask her if she is remembering the good memories? Yes 
I ask her if she is sad? Yes
Jaiden cannot be coerced. The subject is gently laid to rest, and the children go off to school.

| insert afternoon |
Did something happen?


She was very sad today, and they way that she spoke about the situation... It is almost as though she is angry.
Wait. She spoke? 

Jaiden is sad.
She is upset that everyone is sad. 
She recognizes that Nana will never come back from Heaven; she is angry that she "didn't even say goodbye." 
I thank her teacher. 

Alone in the car, I carefully approach the subject again.
This was very unexpected; no one knew that this was going to happen... If we had known, she {nana} would've definitely said goodbye.
Jaiden accuses me of knowing. 
I explain that, I didn't know until I arrived at the hospital. 

"Did you see her go up?"
m   y      h   e   a   r   t      j   u   s   t      s   h   a   t   t   e   r   e   d

No. I did not see her 'go up.' Once I got to the hospital, she was already gone.

Time passes
W   h   y   ?
Why did she go to the hospital? Translation: What happened to Nana, that she had to go?
How do you explain death to a child?
The only way that I know how
. clinical .
I walk her through the events
I have to tell Cadence.

She did. The moment she {cadence} walked through the door. 
Jaiden had listened to my words 
very carefully.
 She explained to her sister, what she found out, nearly verbatim. 

During dinner, Jaiden informs Matty that, 
"Nana is in his heart... 
She is in all of our hearts."


photo by: Heidi Ballweber

08 November, 2011

|...and it's been a beautiful summer|

I live for the moments
that are real
that cannot be staged
-or- recreated

I live for that moment in life, when you actually feel alive.


"I was in some sort of hangar; there was a ship inside, much like The Titanic. I climbed on board, for reasons unknown. Immediately, the ship began to descend... I was pulled beneath the surface of the water; I was flailing, drowning. As quickly as it went down, the ship shot back up; much like an elevator. Clinging to the railing for dear life, I felt myself being rapidly hoisted toward the ceiling: I recognized the imminent danger, of being crushed between the ship and large structural I-beams of the ceiling."

This was my dream last night.

I am terrified of drowning.
I hate dreaming.
When I do, I do not sleep. At least, not well.
This morning I woke disturbed and so, I read.
This is what I found:

"To see a ship in your dream, denotes that you are exploring aspects of your emotions and unconscious mind. The state and condition of the ship is indicative of your emotional state."

I do not see how dreaming of The Titanic, |the doomed maiden voyage/greatest ship wreak in history| could be 'indicative' of any positive 'emotional state.'

"To dream that a ship is sinking, suggests that some aspect of your life is out of control. You are expressing some fear or uncertainty within your emotional state. You are afraid of losing something close to you because of certain difficulties."


"To dream that you abandon ship, indicates that you need to move on and let go. An aspect of your emotion is holding you back and it's time to leave it behind."

Moments before my skull was crushed into the structural steel, I was able to successfully jump to my safety. That was the completion of my dream.

My life is spiraling out of my control. This deeply disturbs my emotional and mental state.
.and so, I will write.